new york

rest

gilman 2010

excuses were on hand and repeated for sincerity: "hello, we are reporters from the newsletter. hoping to get a look before everyone starts rushing in." but they were not necessary. the day light had not faded but the inside was quiet and dim. white, the halls seemed endless, leaking paint and wood polish. paper signs and unwrapped furnitures marked the incomplete; one room flickered blue, a projector was left turned on. we endeavored to silent wariness by tiptoes and reconnaissance but our excitement were hard to contain as we imagined our teachers' glee; each would have their own office: beautiful desks, wooden chairs, wide shelves for books, and a window view. no more walks to dell house, of former hotel fame and several professors to a room spacing.

in the new gilman, there are memories that lingered. the rooms are still lined side by side reminding me of sweaty afternoons in the basement, nodding off to the poor air conditioning's endless drone. the hut is still a open space equilibrium, though more like an airport now with its sky high glass ceiling and panopticon modernity. the halls are as narrow and endless as before; though now covered in light and unbroken chiffon yellow.  i am most impressed by the staircases. how cramped they were before and now sweeping and bottomless. 

true, i miss the old gilman of freshman year. the place where i pulled all-nighters and had to test for usable outlets. where the worn sofas were large and enveloping. and the night came in drifts of unwelcomed sleep.

hard times/good times

in court i often have downtime. this is when i drift into sketching. it is a perfect location, stained and straining with human experience, grief, and lives colliding. i usually sit up front with the judge so that i face the "clients," some in prostrated attentiveness as if the rows of cold benches were pews and the judge their revered priest, some in stony, silent indifference, and the worst, rowdy nonbelievers who muttered and whispered their discontent under the bailiffs' watchful eyes.

yet they were all united by their setting, a human circus of drugs, abuse, poverty, and violence. often i would sneak among them, more comfortable to sit in the chaos than pretend i was above it. i was in domestic violence court when i chanced upon the person i drew above. he slept through the entire proceeding. at the end when the judge asked him to come up, this conversation followed:

judge: why were you asleep?
man: sorry sir, i was very tired today.
judge: why were you so tired?
man: i had to wake up at 5 today to get to court, sir.
judge: do you live far away?
man: no sir. i actually moved houses yesterday. over the weekend, i got shot.
.
.
.
judge:......are you fine?
man: yes sir. just tired.

time to wander

today i went on a trip to find shop gentei, one of the two places in baltimore i know that carries japanese imports; it was definitely more for the adventure. the picture above is my map...the best map ever; drawn to scale and oh-so more accurate than the iphone gps. we were actually able to find the location but we didn't realize since (believe this) the store had no display sign. we walked a full 180 and wandered down some pretty sketchy alleys. we even tried asking two architectural firms located nearby, the last one a door down from the shop and they had absolutely no clue.

it ended well. we found it before my feet mutinied. the place carried mostly men's goods: skate, bike, motorcycle. y-3 skates were 40% off, very nice but none in my size. either way, my friend managed to do some shopping. time not wasted.

after, i bumped into one of my favorite people at hopkins: anatoli, political theory graduate student and ta extraordinaire. i finally met his wife. just as i imagined: socal sweet and smart. man, they give me so much hope after sitting in on all those domestic violence cases. their recommendation for dinner: the helmand, runned by hamid karzai's brother. the appetizers were some kind of amazing. :)

coming home, i found that my pen converter came in; now where is my pen (or ink for that matter)?! night time was spirit within, children of men, and the ice storm as i read today's news and reconnected with friends. i can't explain in a non-rambling format how much i love the first film. children was pretty eye-opening and violent. and the ice storm--well, i like how packed this movie is with famous actors in their youth: christina ricci, tobey maguire, elijah wood, katie holmes....and that dude from numb3rs.

the flowers stared

parents brought fresh roses last weekend, cut straight from our garden. today, they are...less than well. the salt water trick did not work well. i shall spread their petals to the wind.

do the glitch.

the glitch mob. introduced two days ago by aaron. i've downloaded their entire discography but so far i've only listened to this album, drink the sea. 6 times. my friend told me their remixes are a lot better, but i refuse to try the others before i've had my fill of this course. i'm a slow eater.

my favorite yesterday and parts of today was "between two points ft. swan". a slow paced spin with the vocals of a siren. now...it's slowly becoming "starve the ego, feed the soul." this song is like nostalgia hitting with a velvet baseball bat. before i knew it, i was already sinking into my childhood, on the swing that my grandpa made me. in that courtyard of grapes, pomegranates, bonsai, and rows and rows of heavenly flowers, twisted branches. i hear the low clucking of hens and chicks locked behind the shed. to get there i must walk through an aisle paved with century old stones. green and the dirt. smells like those summer nights beneath an eastern sky. i miss sitting on my small chair with my grandparents. waving bamboo woven clover-shaped fans, the warm air stirring. and the magic of dusk seemed endless, in waves flowing over my closed eyes.

San Mao “Love and Trust”/ 三毛《爱和信任》

Our parents' experiences and love are undeniable facts. When beneficial, we accept, learn from and repay them. When unsuitable we must not act insistently, which would only bring about family tragedy. One can try patient dialogue and persuasion; if this has been exhausted, then one must bear love's cost and chains, and enjoy the weariness from the bliss of family happiness, both its restraints and pleasures. But do not forget we are still "individuals”. Quietly search in your inner most for that mysterious taste of independence! Because my parents are enlightened, in the deep silent night, on the rare occasion when my mother does not help me--a middle-aged daughter--tuck in, I have the courage to write out a daughter's heartfelt wishes to her parents.

Father, mother, my love for you surpasses everything; I even pray to the heaven above that you will be the first to go. Yet I, the one who lacks the most courage to live, will push on until the very end for you. This for me is too difficult, but I agreed to come back here, to the complications and pressures of Chinese-styled engagements, to eat, to the concerned love you gave me---your darling treasure. But I request that you also give me some degree of a freedom. Because there's an opportunity to breath, on my shoulders this love's heavy burden will transform into responsibility’s pleasure.


父母的经历和爱心，是不可否认的事实。在好的一方面，我们接受、学习、回报，在不合时代的另一方面，一定不可强求，闹出家庭悲剧。慢慢感化，沟通，如果这一些都试尽了，而没有成果，那么只有忍耐爱的负担和枷锁，享受天伦之乐*中一些累人的无奈和欣慰。但是，不能忘了，我们也是“个体”，内心稍稍追求你那一份神秘的自在吧!因为我的父母开明，才有这份勇气，在夜深人静的时候，母亲不再来替我──一个中年的女儿盖被的偶尔自由中，写出了一个子女对父母的心声。

父亲、母亲，爱你们胜于一切，甚而向老天爷求命，但愿先去的是你们。而我，最没有勇气活下去的一个人，为了父母，大撑到最后。这件事情，在我实在是艰难，可是答应回国定居，答应中国式接触的复杂和压力，答应吃饭，答应一切你们对我──心肝宝贝的关爱。那么，也请你们适度的给我自由，在我的双肩上，因为有一口嘘息的机会，将这份爱的重负，化为责任的欣然承担。
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*天伦之乐: this phrase is hard to translate due to its vast cultural and religious context. Basically it regards the deep bonds of love and mutual concern (and enjoyment in life) between humans, family members, etc.

ps: thanks bijou for both your insight and retardation.